Mommy Down

I’m officially on overload tonight.  I have a son entering seventh grade who has been taking a temporary break from his much-needed ADHD meds.  I have a daughter who starts kindergarten in a few days after being home with me for her first three years and across the hall from my office for the past two-and-a-half years.  I have a job that I’ve been attempting to place on hold so I could spend time with my family.  And it’s all catching up to me.

The thought of work sends my blood pressure skyrocketing, the thought of C starting kindergarten causes me to burst into tears, and the challenge of parenting and loving M while he struggles with un-medicated ADHD makes me feel as if my head might pop off.  Did I also mention the fact that despite a grueling workout regimen I’ve gained six pounds in the past month?  To put it mildly, I feel like I’m failing at life.

I know I have it pretty good.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I’m normally a fairly positive person.  But every now and then I fall apart.  See?  I’m quoting Bonnie Tyler.  Clearly I’m a mess.

Am I the only mom who sometimes feels like I’m only able to give about 40% to any given facet of my life?  Am I the only one who feels like I’m half-assing EVERYTHING??  I know I’m not.  So why do I look around and feel like everyone else has their shit together but me?

Perhaps I’m to blame.  I clean house like Sisyphus, pushing my Swiffer Wet Jet up that hill even as my family trashes the ground I’ve just covered.  So why don’t I give them more chores?

I work my ass off (literally, I wish) at the gym, but I cancel it out with wine and snacks that temporarily take the edge off my stress level but leave me unhappy with my body.  So why can’t I commit and cut out the crap?

Maybe I just need to take a good, hard look in the mirror (good lord, now I’m Michael Jackson??) and realize that I can take some responsibility for my stress.  I can take others up on their offers to help.  I can take the time to put some new rules in place at home so my family learns more responsibility.  I can delegate more at work instead of trying to be all things to all people.

Will it be easy?  Nope.   But worthwhile changes rarely are.

Will it solve everything?  Of course not.  But it’s a start.

I’ll still cry when I drop C off at kindergarten.  But I know she’s ready and I’m excited to see what the future holds for her.  I’ll still have to practice deep breathing and patience when Miles is off his meds.  But I’ll be forever grateful to modern medicine for offering up a way to help him be successful in life.  I’ll still be a headcase during the first few weeks of  a new semester at work.  But I love my job and I’m surrounded by capable people who support me in getting things done.

I may have gotten knocked down by a pretty big wave this week, but I’ve been face-down in the sand before and I know I’ll get back on my feet and catch my breath.  I love the ocean but it’s a powerful force, just like life.  I think some of us are just more affected by the tides…

Being happy is a journey, and sometimes we stumble.  I’m just grateful for the beautiful life that’s waiting for me when I get back up.